Responding vs Reacting
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again- emotions serve a purpose. They exist for a reason. However, the incredible miracle that is our brain which gives us our emotions, also gives us the ability to mindfully and deliberately respond to them. Respond is the key word here and is vastly different to reacting. Let me explain.
An emotional response is basically the result of a trigger. Our minds are like a filing cabinet and we have a default response mechanism of how we act against different events. Remember this post, where I explained the concept of the wise owl and the guard dog in relation to how the brain processes the manifestations of emotions? Go and have a read, I’ll wait…
Basically, what I explored in that post was the fact that the two parts of our brain that relates specifically to emotional intelligence are the frontal cortex (aka wise owl) and the amygdala (guard dog). The frontal cortex allows us to respond to a stimuli, while the amygdala provokes more of a reactionary response. When we’re triggered, our immediate response is primitive. It is defensive. If we allow this to take over, if we buy into the (false!) narrative that we have no control over how we respond, if we stay in the amygdala space, we are firmly in reactionary mode. Our choices are extremely limited- aka fight or flight.
A quick note- I really, really want to emphasise the importance of not suppressing emotions but naming them. As I’ve explained, emotions are normal and necessary. It’s OK to feel emotions, and it’s OK to be emotional. Emotional intelligence isn’t about controlling emotions, rather it’s about controlling our behaviour in relation to emotions. Personally, I’m a highly emotional person. I know that and I’m highly aware of my triggers and my ‘typical’ guard dog behaviours and so I have in place strategies to ensure that my responses are appropriate and non-damaging to my sense of self or to my relationships.
My goodness, there isn’t a soul among us that hasn’t experienced one of those moments where in the heat of the moment we’ve reacted in a way that’s left us riddled with guilt and regret. We’ve said something we can’t take back, we’ve acted in a way that’s deeply at odds with our values. This is reacting. It’s acting without conscious thought, and it’s driven by emotion, usually negative such as anger, fear, blame, insecurity. It’s lashing out or shutting down or both. It only takes a split second, but for hours, days, weeks, sometimes much, much longer, we’re beating ourselves up about how we handled a situation.
On the flip side, we’ve all known people who just exude calm. They’re easy going, not easily rattled and seem to take their time thinking things through. They are considered in how they approach people and events and don’t take things personally. They don’t get caught up in drama cyclones, are responsible and generally have a positive outlook on life. They are the people that others gravitate to because they’re simply good to be around.
Guess what? This isn’t binary- we can all be reactionary (boo) or responsive (yay). When we realise that we have the ability to flip our mindset and thus our actions from being reactive to responsive we put ourselves back into the driver’s seat. We can pause, step back from the emotions that have been triggered and objectively and non-judgementally think our way into a response rather than automatically reacting. You know what this means? It means we can choose how we show up. We’re in control of our behaviour, of how we react to the world around us, and equally importantly, how we influence and impact upon that world, our lives, and of those we love.
So science tells us that when we receive a stimuli our limbic system and amygdala (primitive brain aka guard dog) scans for threats. If a threat is detected, an emotional response is triggered, and this shuts down access to the prefrontal cortex (higher thinking brain aka wise owl). Boom, we react. But is this a done deal? We’re powerless? Hell no!
We know that stimulus is initially filtered through our attitudes before it is processed as emotions (thanks again, science!), which means we have a window of opportunity to change our attitude, which will in turn change our behaviour. Our prefrontal cortex allows us to make conscious decisions, enables our self-awareness and overrides our emotional impulses. We get there by understanding ourselves to the point where we have clear awareness of our triggers that typically cause our reactive behaviours, and then learning to pause before the amygdala moves to full force. Bottom line- we strengthen our cognitive control. We improve our attitudes, our awareness of self and others and our regard of ourselves and of others. Easy peasy!
JK- building emotional intelligence is actually a long, dynamic, process that won’t happen overnight. Sorry! But there are some quick ways to quickly shift from reacting to responding while you’re in the (lifelong!) process of self-betterment.
“Between Stimulus and Response there is a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” Viktor E. Frankl
OK, here’s where I age myself and mortify my children at the same time with this pearler:
Be like Marky Mark and raise your vibration. Technically, he implored us to feel the vibration, but take some actions that will shift your vibration from reactionary to mindful. I’m talking:
• Deep breathing
• Counting backwards
• Journaling
• Repeating affirmations
• Sit in the sunshine
• Go for a walk
• Chat to a friend who is uplifting and positive
• If you’re a makeup gal, slap on a face
• Open the windows and let in fresh air
• Grab hold of a favourite essential oil
• Water a plant
Can you see what all these have in common? They all involve an action or form of focused, purpose-filled movement. The moment that intentional action comes into play is the moment that you acknowledge an emotion and then take ownership, responsibility and accountability for your response. You’re in the driver’s seat! And of course, you might not like the emotion (ie hello, imposter syndrome) but you’re impacting on how you show up against that.
Once we’ve raised our vibration, we can then move more deeply into wise owl mode. This is where we can explore our deeply rooted attitudes and belief systems and explore why our default response may have been reactionary. We often react because of a gap in our knowledge-bank or are hooked on a story that we know doesn’t serve us. This is where we ask ourselves about the truth of the story. What are the facts here? What is true? What assumptions am I making here? It’s this deep exploration- away from the heat of the moment- that allows for true growth and transformation.
Bottom line- while our brain provides us with incredible tools to make decisions against the stimuli placed in front of us, the operative concept here is choice. We choose if we nurture our wise owl or if we let our guard dog off the leash. It’s up to us!
