Would you say it to a friend?
The core focus of my work as a leadership and life coach is helping people change their behaviour and change their life through self-empowerment and growth. However, without a generous dollop of self-compassion, self-love and self-kindness, people are limited in how they can step into their potential and live a better life, however they define better.
Imagine this scenario- you catch up for a coffee with a friend and immediately you pick up that she’s not in a great headspace. Her words and demeanour show in no uncertain terms that they feel simply awful about themselves. They're struggling, they're letting all their demons run free and are in a bad place emotionally. How would you respond? You might send flowers, you might bring them a coffee and lend them an ear. You’d ask how you could best be of support, you’d ask them to let you be there for them. You’d tell them how much you admire their strength, vulnerability, creativity or whatever attribute of theirs you see, but which they might not see themselves.
Now, tell me, do you apply that same level of love, kindness and compassion to yourself? Or do you let your inner critic run riot in your mind?
How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you- Rupi Kaur
A while back I was a guest on one of my favourite podcasts, the Self Love Podcast, where I was asked to define what self love means to me personally. Here’s my answer, slightly paraphrased:
Self love to me is about having high self-regard. Bringing in kindness, self compassion, doing things that you love and not feeling guilty about it. Owning who you are and saying ‘this is me.’ For example I love reading teen fiction – that’s me. I’m going to own it because that’s a part of who I am and it makes me feel good.
It’s recognising when you’re tired and going ‘I’m going to be kind to myself and put myself to bed now.’ When something hasn’t gone right it’s not about beating yourself up, it’s about learning from that experience and bringing in that self compassion. When you have high self-respect, high self-regard, it’s bringing that love to yourself that you give to others. That’s what self love is. Treating yourself like you are your best friend, because ultimately you are the longest relationship you will have with anyone in life.
Self-compassion, self-love and self-kindness are muscles like any other. They can be allowed to atrophy or they can be flexed. They are based on forgiveness and deep nurturing so any practice that reflects this will help build your muscle and fill your well. Here’s some of my favourites for my clients and for my own personal practice:
Physically nurture your body. I’m talking healthy food, go to bed early, have a rest, have a massage or take a walk.
Give yourself the same speech that you would give a friend. You might like to write yourself a letter listing all your beautiful qualities, or repeat affirmations in the mirror, or write in your journal.
Don't bottle up or suppress those emotions! Recognise their power but don't be dictated by them.
Give recognition and acknowledgement of the fact that you are human. We all stuff up! Sometimes we make mistakes - it’s inevitable - but it’s through mistakes that we grow and learn. Growth can only happen through self- compassion and self-kindness rather than beating ourselves up. Learn from it and then move forward.
Embrace your ability to shift your perspective. Just because you’re in a crappy place doesn’t mean you have to stay there!
Gratitude is proven to increase self-compassion so cultivate a gratitude practice.
In the Self Love Podcast I shared my wholehearted belief that when we intentionally on a daily basis bring in self-kindness, self-love and self-compassion we will develop the most beautiful relationship with self. When you have a beautiful relationship with yourself it blossoms into beautiful relationships with others. When you treat yourself with the love and kindness you show others your whole world will change. Don’t just take my word for it- it’s scientifically proven.
