It’s not about me…
It’s not about me… As a mantra, never is this more relevant than when you’re parenting teenagers. Our children in general and teenagers in particular have the ability to push buttons we’d forgotten we even had, but when we unhook our stories from theirs’ and when we bring consciousness to the fact that it’s not about us, the quality of our family conversations and dynamics rise exponentially.
Do you recall the post I wrote about responding vs reacting? Here ’tis, for your reading pleasure. I’ve had such an incredible response to that post that I thought I’d follow it up with a specific example/scenario, one which any parent will resonate with, particularly those of us with offspring in the eye-roll stage. Let me paint a beautiful picture of domesticity:
You’re in your kitchen, getting organised for the evening meal. Your child wanders in, and you can feel their mood coming off them almost like a physical wave. They’re super grumpy and grunt in response to your greeting. You ask them to do something and they respond in a grumpy and sarcastic tone. Now, sarcasm can trigger many parents. Your child has been rude and hasn’t responded in a way that meets the expectation we had for them. We have two choices here:
A- to poke the bear. Pull them up and tell them they’re being incredibly rude and add your heightened emotions to theirs, creating a virtual tempest within your home for hours to come.
B- be the bigger person that can step outside of your child’s emotions with curiosity about what's creating their reaction, what's going on in their world and recognise that it’s not the time to teach anything while they're having a high emotional response.
Yes, the answer is B. You give them space. You don’t react.
OK, this is a concept that many parents may struggle with. ‘You’re letting your kids get away with murder, you’re leading them down a road of wrack and ruin.’ But hear me out:
As a parent, you are one human interacting with another, if someone is having an emotional response, it’s their response. It’s not ours. Their response is an act of self-expression and it is the result of something triggered within them based on their old filing system of how to respond to different events and scenarios. This is the dichotomy of wise owl vs guard dog, critical mind vs primitive in all its glory. Here’s the kicker- just because they've gone into their primitive mind, we don’t have to follow suit. If we do, we’ll make the situation much, much worse, for all. If we don't get caught in their story or get offended but rather stay neutral, we can just support them through whatever they're going through. The minute we take it personally is the minute that our defence system comes up, our guard dog comes out and all hell breaks loose. They yell, you yell, you walk away, doors are slammed and everyone’s upset. But if you just allow them to express what's going on and don't take it personally they get it out of their system really quickly. It's simply a transfer of energy. You're able to stay calm and give them the space they need.
Disclaimer- you don’t let your kid get away with treating you in a way that’s disrespectful or inconsiderate. But you choose the timing AND methodology of how you respond. You give them a chance to calm their farm, and you address it when they’re not operating from their amygdala. You knock on their door and ask them what that outburst was about. Are they proud of how they showed up? Tone of voice here is critically important so we don’t poke the bear and inflame the situation- it’s not about telling, it’s about taking a curious mindset, and then establishing, confirming or clarifying the impact on their behaviour. It might involve a reminder that they know that's not how to operate in this house, that's not how we speak to each other. You share the impact of their behaviour, that it hurt your feelings or you felt disrespected. You ask them what's going on for them right now. These are all big conversations that create trust and opens up an opportunity for growth. It gives your child responsibility and ownership over their behaviour and shows that you trust them to do the right thing in the future, and that you’ll love and respect them through thick and thin. You’ve shown them that their behaviour is not about you.
The other reason I believe Option B is a winner is because when you respond to someone as a wise owl you are allowing them to have free expression of their emotions. You’re not teaching them to suppress their emotions when they're upset but you're teaching them empathy. They’re learning to respond in a way that doesn’t impact or hurt those they love most. You’re helping them gain awareness about how their behaviour impacts others.
This is where, as parents, w e need to disconnect from what's going on for them so we can be their loving, supporting parent but not take it personally because then we're acting like a teenager too.
In terms of practicalities, it’s not necessarily easy to respond, not react when your child is behaving not very kindly. We know rationally that toddlers throwing a tantrum isn’t personal and we also know that when a toddler loses their audience the tantrum quickly ends. Teenagers, young adults, can feel a bit different. We know that they can use words that may or may not be designed to inflict pain. Regardless of their motivations, we have the choice in how we show up in response. Our choices are much more informed when we have self-awareness. The moment we realise they're creating a reaction within us- you feel something in the pit of your stomach, you might feel your blood pressure rising, you might feel hot in the face. When this happens? Repeat your mantra. This is not about me. Take a deep breath. Pausing for a moment puts you back into your prefrontal cortex and takes you out of your primitive brain. You can think critically which puts you in control of how you respond. All of the above builds connection. Win/win!
A beautiful and connecting way that my family brings this concept to life is by way of our annual family goalsetting session. One of the things we do each year is sit around our table and write down our goals for the year ahead and our intentions of what we would like to achieve. We also reflect on the year that's just been. We each say something that each of us has done really well and then something that they could improve on. And then we ask for support if we need it. A specific example is one of children asked me to trust that he was doing his homework and not nag. I knew that would be challenging for me and asked him to help me to do so. We made an agreement that if his school results didn't reflect that he was doing his work then I'd start asking questions. He said ‘yep, cool, I'll take that.’ I put ownership back on him to show me the results.
When I’ve spoken with friends and colleagues about our family goalsetting, I’ve had people question the potential for triggers in this annual family ritual. I can honestly say no. It’s something the kids (and my hubby and I) genuinely look forward to each year. There is no room for judgement when we do these family rituals; it’s an open, safe space where we all give and receive feedback with grace. It’s an exercise in intentionally and mindfully choosing our responses to stay within wise owl territory. If we feel a reaction within ourselves it’s an opportunity to ask questions of those around us. For example, if I’m told “Mum, this year please focus on not making assumptions.’ If I feel myself getting defensive, I’ll ask questions such as ‘can you give me an example of when I’ve made assumptions in the past so I know what you mean?’ It gives us all a chance to practice our responses, show empathy and care for each other as well as ensuring our own needs and boundaries are being met. It’s nurturing and leaves us all with an almost tangible sense of connection to carry us into a new year.
As I said, this isn’t always easy. It takes practice and self-awareness and sometimes a decent debrief with the dog. But it is so, so worth it and leads to a family life based on connection and mutual respect, as well as joy and fun. There’s also great freedom in knowing it’s not all about you!
